


The Little Blue - I Mean Gold - Tablet

by seashadows



Category: Night at the Museum (Movies)
Genre: (sort of), First Time, Frottage, Intercrural Sex, M/M, Magic, Mentions of Ahkmenrah/Larry, Mentions of Teddy/Sacagawea, Oral Sex, Sex Pollen, Sex Tablet?, this is NOT dubcon, yes that is a Viagra reference in the title
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-04
Updated: 2018-12-04
Packaged: 2019-09-07 05:56:50
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,557
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16848439
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/seashadows/pseuds/seashadows
Summary: “So why did you choose me to tell?” Ahkmenrah asked. “Were the feelings eating you from the inside out? Did you have to tellsomeonefor fear of bursting with it, or is this because I’m your friend?”Jed gaped at him. “What the heck kinds of things have you been readin’?”Jedediah asks for help from an unexpected source regarding his feelings for Octavius, and gets a lot more than he bargained for.





	The Little Blue - I Mean Gold - Tablet

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you to [Martinus Cornelius](martinus-cornelius.tumblr.com) for your awesome help, AGAIN!
> 
> I am never going to run out of ideas for first-time stories with these two. I figure that in at least one of them, Jed has to know what goes where, right? (And of course Tilly reads slash fic at the front desk computer.)

“I love him.” 

Ahkmenrah made a noise that could probably be transliterated as “ _GNGH!_ ” and jumped in place, fumbling to keep hold of his tea. “Jedediah!” he gasped once he’d gotten his bearings and found Jed on the floor. “You nearly scared me back to the afterlife.” 

“Awful sorry, Ahkmenrah,” said Jed, his apprehension turning to abject guilt. “Just wanted to say I –“ 

“You love him. Who do you love, exactly?” Ahkmenrah took a sip of his tea. It was in a Starbucks cup, one of the things he said he’d missed in the British Museum. Starbucks, not the cup. Larry always brought him some when he asked, and still did, even though he wasn’t working here anymore. Couldn’t keep old Laredo away from the museum, Jed figured. “Have you met someone online?” His face lit up with excitement. “That’s wonderful!” 

“I, uh…what? No. That’s just weird.” Jed crossed his arms. “Darn it, Ahkmenrah, why do you gotta go takin’ the wind out of my sails?” 

Ahkmenrah’s expression turned sad. “I’m deeply sorry, Jedediah.” He put a hand over his heart. “Please tell me whom you were referring to. I will take the secret to the grave, I swear it.” 

Times like this, Jed couldn’t tell whether Ahkmenrah was joking, twisted as his sense of humor was. He’d heard about some of the stuff he missed hearing in person, too. _Bake like tiny little scarabs in the Sinai_ \- now that was just creepy. “Promise on your honor as a king?” 

“On my honor as the fourth king of the fourth king.” 

“Well…that’s good,” Jed said. Durn formalities. He took his hat off and twisted the brim in his hands. “See, the feller I love, it’s…it’s Octavius.” He squeezed his eyes shut, ready for Ahkmenrah to start laughing at him, or get all horrified, or he didn’t even know what. How did they feel about that kind of thing in ancient Egypt, anyway? 

“Octavius,” Ahkmenrah echoed. His tone was measured, but when Jed got up the courage to look at him, he saw that Ahkmenrah’s eyes were filled with sympathy. “You love him, and he…doesn’t love you? He rejected your advances?” 

Jed shook his head. “No, I ain’t told him nothin’. Can’t make advances if I’m too scared to do it.” 

“So why did you choose me to tell?” Ahkmenrah asked. “Were the feelings eating you from the inside out? Did you have to tell _someone_ for fear of bursting with it, or is this because I’m your friend?” 

Jed gaped at him. “What the heck kinds of things have you been readin’?” 

Ahkmenrah scratched the back of his neck, suddenly shifty-eyed. “Things.” 

“All right, so I won’t pry,” Jed said. Probably better not to get into the kinds of things Ahkmenrah read – or watched, if all the time he spent on the computer some nights had anything to do with it. “Anyway, I told you ‘cause I thought you might be able to help me.” 

“What can I do for you?” 

“Well,” said Jed, scuffing his foot against the floor, “that tablet o’ yours. I hate to ask this if it’s an imposition, but you think there’s any way you could monkey with it some? You know, so it can tell me if Octavius loves me back?” 

Ahkmenrah took a long gulp of his tea and sank down onto the floor to sit cross-legged, setting down his cup. “What would you do if it said he didn’t?” he whispered. “Are you going to mourn your lost love? Throw yourself on your sword – er, gun?” 

“What? No. If the tablet said he didn’t love me, I just wouldn’t say nothin’. Make it a lot easier on both of us.” He was going to have to have a long talk with Larry and Tilly about cutting Ahkmenrah’s Internet access. “That’s why I’m askin’, see. If he don’t love me and I don’t tell him, it’ll just hurt one of us and I can keep the friendship.” 

Ahkmenrah blinked. “That’s surprisingly sensible,” he said. “It’s sad, but sensible all the same. Hmm.” He tapped his fingertips against his chin. “I’ve never tried to use the tablet for love magic.” 

“It’s not magic!” Jed said indignantly. “I’m tryin’ to find out if he loves me, not do magic on him. I ain’t a wizard!” 

“Calm down,” said Ahkmenrah in a too-soothing voice, holding up a hand. “There are things about the tablet that even I don’t know.” 

“Yeah, I remember _that_ ,” Jed replied. That was what the whole trip to England had been about, after all. “But, uh, do you think it’s somethin’ you could do?” 

Ahkmenrah nodded. “I’ll certainly try,” he said. “I promise, Jedediah, I’ll do my best. It might take a while, but I will have an answer for you as soon as I can. But it might be a no, and I hope you realize that.” 

_I’m not an idiot,_ Jed wanted to say, but because this was Ahkmenrah and he couldn’t think of a more decent person among the giants, except maybe for Larry and sometimes Tilly when she wasn’t being rude on purpose, he settled for “Thank you.” 

“You’re most welcome,” said Ahkmenrah, and grinned at him. 

“ _Half an hour to sunrise, tossers!_ ” came Tilly’s voice over the intercom. Jed put his hat back on, tipped it at Ahkmenrah, and ran.

\- - -

The whole shebang ended up taking three weeks, during which time Jed fell off the back of Teddy’s horse while Billy and Horace were recording him (nothing broke, but dang, no bragging rights there), sparred with Octavius a total of five times, re-watched two episodes of Star Trek: Enterprise, and just about forgot the request he’d made except for a nagging in the back of his mind. But Ahkmenrah proved himself a fine feller when he came up to Jed in the hallway next to Dexter’s exhibit one night and tapped Jed’s back gently with his pinky finger. “I’ve done it!” he said, his voice full of so much excitement that Jed could tell he was bursting to shout. “Khonsu and Isis have answered my prayers.”

“And you did somethin’ with the tablet?” Jed said. 

“That, too. Come with me!” Ahkmenrah grinned at him and set his hand on the floor. “Want a ride?” 

“Yep.” Jed grabbed one of Ahkmenrah’s fingers and saddled up. His hand was pleasantly warm. Some of the other giants’ hands were always cold when they brought him somewhere, which didn’t make for the most comfortable ride. Tilly tended to have ice-cold fingers, but that was probably on account of her slushie habit. “Let’s go!” 

The halls were fairly empty, no doubt because of the Shrek movie marathon going on in the theater. Ahkmenrah hummed something Jed didn’t recognize on his way to his exhibit. “That an Egyptian song?” Jed asked as they went through the door to the dark crypt. 

“No, American.” Ahkmenrah waved his hand at his guards and said something that Jed, by now, knew meant ‘good boys’ in Egyptian. 

“Dasher,” said Jed in his turn. “Prancer.” He changed the names up on a regular basis for the fun of it. The jackals seemed to like Bonnie and Clyde best, which made Larry laugh the first time he overheard Jed and Octavius in a discussion about it. “How’s it goin’ there?” 

“They’ve been very good ever since I started scratching their tummies with my scepter,” said Ahkmenrah, and made for the tablet, depositing Jed gently on the floor before he took it down. “I’m not sure whether you’re supposed to be standing in front of it or not,” he confessed once he had it in his hands. “Keep in mind, this is my first time with love magic – er, love…telling. Not magic.” 

Jed stretched his arms over his head. “’S’all right, Ahkmenrah. It means a lot that you tried at all. I mean, if it don’t work, you’re still a real pal for helpin’ me.” 

Ahkmenrah beamed at him. “I’m happy to help, Jedediah.” He squinted at the tablet, holding it at arm’s length and then back, so close to his eyes that he had to be seeing two of it. “All right. I’ll try the ceremony, but anything that happens…well, it wasn’t intentional.”

Jed snorted. “You tryin’ to pull a liability waiver on me, Ahkmenrah?” He’d learned about those from the TV show about the stupid rock stars, the one that Nicky liked to watch when he was younger and his dad was off somewhere else. Otherwise, Larry would’ve handed him his butt. Verbally, anyway. 

“And what if I am?” said Ahkmenrah, shrugging. “Shall we get this show on the road?” 

“Yup.” Jed’s heart suddenly began to beat a heck of a lot faster. “Boy, I hope this works.” 

“Me, too,” Ahkmenrah muttered, and took in and let out a deep, gusty breath. “Right.” He planted his feet, held the tablet up over his head, and said something in flowing, elegant Egyptian that Jed wouldn’t have had a prayer of parsing out in a million years with a dictionary. Lucky for Jed, though, he repeated it in English. “Isis, lady of love, help my humble friend with his predicament. Let he in this museum who loves another be apprised of the other’s love, and suffer no heartache if that love is not returned.” 

That pulled a whistle out of Jed. “That’s some fancy talk.” 

“Quiet, you,” Ahkmenrah said. And maybe he would have said more, but that was when the tablet decided to start glowing. 

And glowing. 

And putting out light like firecrackers, like a flashlight, piercing right into Jed’s eyes so that he could almost _hear_ it. “What in _tarnation!_ ” he yelled, and heard Ahkmenrah holler something that probably meant just about the same. “Ahkmenrah! Shut it off!” 

“I can’t!” 

The light throbbing in Jed’s eyes felt like it would blind him if it kept going. “Well, try!” 

Then the light shut off as abruptly as it had come on, leaving Jed blinking, his eyes running like a waterfall down his cheeks. “What –“ He put his hands on his knees and coughed a few times, just to get out all the _sensation_. “What was that all about?” 

“I don’t know.” Ahkmenrah sounded confused as much as defeated. Jed could only guess at what he was feeling, because he sure as hell couldn’t see him. “It did…something. That’s all I can tell you. I’m as much in the dark as you are.” 

“Ain’t a great way of puttin’ it,” Jed grumbled. _Dark_ , ha. A little too much light, more like. Although come to think of it, he was feeling awfully warm, like he’d stood too long in the sun, only this warmth seemed to be coming from inside his body. It glowed in his throat and his belly, and…further down? Now that was just strange. And it was getting warmer. “You feelin’ this, Ahkmenrah?” he asked. 

“Feeling what?” 

Jed frowned. “I feel a little weird,” he said. The warm feeling inside him was spreading and turning into a kind of tingling sensation as the dancing spots in front of his eyes vanished. And then, to his horror, he realized there was something going on with his johnson. He had a hard-on, and there was no earthly reason why. “ _Ahkmenrah!_ What’d you do to me, ya fiddlehead?” 

“I didn’t do anything to you,” Ahkmenrah said in a defensive and maybe kind of strangled tone. When Jed looked up, he sees why. Ahkmenrah was in exactly the same situation he was in, and he looked terrified to boot. A tallywag, Jed realized, looked much scarier from the underside, especially when it was bigger than he was. “I – I have to go find Larry.” 

“Larry?” Jed repeated. “Is he visiting tonight? What’s he got to do with all this?” He wiped some sweat off his forehead. Felt like someone had just turned the heat up to eighty or ninety. “Dammit, Ahkmenrah, this ain’t funny. I feel crazy enough to eat the devil with horns on!” He shifted from foot to foot as his erection grew, poking at the front of his jeans. If it got any warmer, he was going to have to take off his vest, and maybe his chaps, too. “Where’s Octavius? He’ll know what to do.” 

“I have to find Larry,” Ahkmenrah repeated, and ran out the door of his exhibit like a bear was at his heels. 

Oh, hell. “Ahkmenrah!” Jed hollered, running after him. No use; he knew Ahkmenrah would be too far ahead of him to hear before long. “ _Ahkmenrah!_ ” He stopped at the door, a hand on his cramping belly and his piece so hard that he couldn’t hardly think. _Octavius_. He needed to find Octavius, and fast. He didn’t know why, but he needed to see him _now_. 

But Ahkmenrah was his ride, and the car was out by the diorama where he’d left it when he came to see what the stupid tablet could do, and now he was stuck. And he needed Octavius. 

A blur of dark fur zooming by him interrupted his panic, and suddenly, he saw a way out. “Hey! Dexter!” He ran a little ways and tried again. “ _Dexter!_ Be a pal and get me back to the Hall of Miniatures, would ya? I’ll get Tilly to share her banana next time she brings one in. Okay?” 

Dexter chittered and scurried back, holding out his hand. Jed grabbed on and almost regretted it, because boy, was Dexter _smelly_. Least it didn’t smell like he’d been flinging his poop tonight, just normal monkey stink. He went fast, though, so Jed was inclined to forgive him. “Whoa there, boy,” he said as they reached the Hall of Miniatures, and hopped down from Dexter’s hand as fast as a man with a hard-on could be expected to do. “Thanks, Dexter. I owe ya.” 

Dexter made one of his weird hooting noises and ran off with his tail in the air. Jed didn’t even want to think about what _that_ meant. Monkeys were weird. 

“Jedediah!” He knew that voice, and he spun around eagerly in time to see Octavius running towards him with his face flushed. “Jedediah, I need to see you!” 

“Octy, is somethin’ wrong?” 

Octavius grabbed his hand. Honest-to-goodness _grabbed his hand_ , like he’d obviously wanted to do in the British Museum all that time ago and hadn’t gotten up the courage for. Jed had wanted him to take his hand so badly when he asked. His usual kind of wit had come out of his mouth, though, and Octavius had just looked disappointed – and maybe hurt. “Please, come with me.” He looked deep into Jed’s eyes. There was something wrong with his pupils; they’d gone all huge, like he’d been taking belladonna. 

“Octy?” Jed repeated. “You okay?” Not that he himself was doing all that great. Octavius’s presence seemed to have only made his erection worse. He ached to press himself against Octavius’s body and do all the filthy stuff he’d read over Tilly’s shoulder when she used the computer at the front desk. 

“Please.” Octavius squeezed his hand. Even through his gloves, Jed could feel how warm his friend was. “Come with me. Let’s go somewhere.” 

“Okay, Octavius. Okay.” Jed put his free hand on Octavius’s shoulder, but far from soothing him, it only seemed to make him more agitated. “You wanna go to the library? Nice and private.” They could go through the vents to get there, and it was an easy enough trek, just halfway across the main floor. The car would get them over there even faster. 

Jed quickly found the car, which a couple of people from the Mayan diorama were using as a shield for their version of keep-away, and got himself and Octavius to the library in one piece. Well, maybe he drove a little too fast, but that wasn’t no one’s business except his own. The library door was open, too, thanks to Tilly – she liked to read in there, and didn’t mind having to chase out the occasional tiger. 

They scaled up onto one of the bookshelves, using the rope and makeshift grappling hook that they kept in the car for emergencies (and fun). Octavius, Jed noticed, was hunched over like Quasimodo from the movie. “You okay there?” Jed asked. “Why’d you want to come to the library? You doin’ all right?” Not that he was doing so great himself. He could hardly keep himself from shoving a hand down his jeans and rubbing himself off then and there, that was how hard he was. 

“Something is wrong with me,” said Octavius in a voice so strained that it sounded like it might snap at any second. “I find myself…strangely aroused.” 

“Huh? Aroused how?” Jed stuck a hand in his pocket and crossed his fingers. _If he means it the same way I would…_

Octavius’s jaw set and he swallowed hard, the tendons in his neck standing out starkly. “I don’t want to make you uncomfortable,” he said, “but I need you. Terribly. As I have needed you for a long time, but I have been a fool and said nothing.” He gestured towards his skirt (he might call it a tunic, but to Jed, that part looked like a skirt) and then Jed saw it. More accurately, he saw Octavius’s problem right through his skirt, and it was a real hard one.

Jed’s face went hot. “Well, uh, that’s a real predicament there, pardner,” he said. His piece twitched in his jeans, and it felt like his button fly was about to strangle him. “You gonna be okay?” 

Octavius got up, his feet hitting the wood surface of the shelf hard as he stumbled his way to his feet. “I _need_ you,” he repeated. 

Jed stood up, too. Whatever kind of trickery the tablet had pulled, it was drawing him to Octavius like a moth to a flame. And, like a stupid moth around a kerosene lamp, he was probably going to get burned to a crisp – but he found that he didn’t really care. “How do you need me, Octavius?” he asked softly. Octavius took a few steps closer, and Jed echoed him. “’Cause I think…I think I feel the same way. You know. Needin’ you.” 

Octavius’s eyes flicked down towards Jed’s pants. Half a moment later, he slammed into Jed, arms around him, tumbling them both down to hit the shelf. And then he was on top of him, kissing him like his life depended on it. 

Jed returned the kisses and wrapped his arms around Octavius, pressing his erection against Octavius’s thigh. It was strange, but being with Octavius – kissing him, holding him – seemed to make his predicament a little less, rather than more, urgent than it had been. He groaned into Octavius’s mouth and pulled away to rub his cheeks against Octavius’s stubbly chin. “Gosh _dang_ , you’re beautiful,” he said. 

“Mm.” Octavius kissed him hard, maybe even hard enough to bruise. “I’m ordinary to look at, nothing more. You’re the stunning one between us, Jedediah.” He rolled to the side and put a hand in Jed’s hair, drawing their foreheads together. “Will you let me have you?” 

“Have me…how?” said Jed slowly. Not that he hadn’t daydreamed about letting Octavius put it in him, especially after he’d been reading those slasher fictions or whatever Tilly called them, but here? 

Octavius kissed him again. “Forgive me,” he said, a laugh in his voice. “I can’t keep my hands off you. Or my mouth.” He put an arm around Jed’s hip and rested his hand on his behind, which brought a moan that Jed couldn’t bite back. “I would have your thighs. I have no oil with me.” 

Jed knew what that was. He’d read a story with it once, where a man lay on top of his husband (and lord, did he have a hard time getting used to _that_ , even in fiction) and rubbed against the backs of his thighs until they both went off. Tilly had clicked out of that one real fast, citing ‘purple prose’ and ‘cor, I can write a better one with my eyes closed.’ Still, it had been right educational. “Front of my thighs or back, Octy?” 

Octavius squeezed his butt. “Back. Mmmm.” He pressed a kiss against Jed’s neck. “I don’t know why I need you so much tonight, but I thank the gods for it.” 

Guilt surged up in Jed at that. How could he let Octavius believe this was a _good_ thing? How could he forget that this was his fault? “Uh, Octavius? I…I don’t think this is the gods’ doin’. I kinda did this to you.” 

“That’s rather the point.” 

“No, I mean _I did this to you_. By accident, without askin’.” 

Octavius pulled away a little and frowned – a confused frown, not an angry one. “What happened?” 

_Moment of truth_. Jed bit his lower lip hard enough that it hurt. Now he’d messed up but good. He was gonna have to confess his love and maybe lose Octavius over it anyway, and he’d done this to him with the stupid tablet on top of it. Octavius would probably set the Roman army on him for this. Well, better to get it over with. “I asked Ahkmenrah if there was some way the tablet could tell me if you love me like I love you,” he said, feeling his stomach swoop, “and he prayed at it and it gave off some light or somethin’, and then I got a hard-on and so did Ahkmenrah and he said he had to go find Larry and now you got a hard-on, too, and it’s my fault and –“ 

“Wait.” Suddenly, there was a hand over Jed’s mouth. _Octavius’s_ hand. Didn’t seem like he was trying to strangle Jed, either. “You asked the tablet to tell you if I love you?” 

“Technically, I asked Ahkmenrah and he asked the tablet,” said Jed against Octavius’s palm. Octavius took his hand away, and thank goodness, because it was hard as hell to talk that way. “I’m so sorry, Octavius.” He pulled away and drew up his legs, curling up with his arms around his knees. “I didn’t mean to make you all hard like this, y’know, ‘cause I know you probably didn’t want that. All mindin’ your own business and everything. Just wanted to know if you love me.” The last words were directed down at his knees. He couldn’t face looking at Octavius anymore, at that cocked head and eyes filled with concern he didn’t deserve. 

Octavius pulled his tunic straight and sat up. “What exactly did he say to the tablet?” he asked. 

What was going on? Octavius was supposed to get mad and unleash hell on him. If Jed was in his position, he might – oh, who was he kidding? If he was in Octavius’s position, he’d be so happy to be loved that he’d probably just start crying. “Somethin’ about…let’s see. ‘Let he in this museum who loves another know that the other one loves him, and not be all heartbroken if he don’t love him back.’ My words there, not his, but y’know, same general point.” 

Octavius stared. And then he laughed. In fact, he laughed so hard that he fell back onto the shelf. 

“Octy?” Jed was right perplexed, no doubt about it. “What’s so funny? I just said I made you like this without askin’! The stupid tablet did it! Why’re you laughin’?” 

Octavius pressed a hand against his eyes and took a second to get himself under control. “I wondered,” he said, “why Flavius and Horace were so much more eager than usual to run off together.” 

“You mean they finally done it?” 

“Yes.” Octavius stared at him. “Weeks ago. You didn’t notice?” 

Jed thought back to what had been happening a few weeks ago to make him _not_ notice something as eventful as that, and realized that that was when he’d come up with this damnfool idea in the first place. Trust him to sit and brood on his own feelings of love while a couple of his fellow miniatures actually went out and found it. “Yeah, well…good for Flavius and Horace.” And his johnson was _still hard_. How he could even think through a massive stand, he had no idea. Probably the magic. If it could make Rexy turn around and tromp through the snow to get back to the museum when Ahkmenrah talked to it, then it could do this. 

Octavius heaved a few final chuckles that sounded more like afterthoughts than anything, got up, and came over to sit next to Jed. “I saw Ahkmenrah, too, Jedediah,” he said, “although I didn’t notice his…issue. And you forget that Teddy frequents the area around the Hall of Miniatures. I saw him pass through on his way to Sacagawea. He seemed most urgent, and we all know how he feels about her.” 

“Great,” Jed moaned, “so I turned the whole museum into a durn cathouse.” The situation was even worse than he’d thought. 

“No, no, you haven’t! That’s what I’m trying to tell you!” Octavius took one of Jed’s hands in both of his and brought it to his mouth, curling it gently up and kissing the knuckles. “For one thing, I am not controlled by my libido. The tablet has not taken away my ability to reason and you haven’t meddled with my ability to consent to you. For another, Jedediah, what does every one of those couples have in common?” 

“They can’t keep their hands off each other? Well, eyes.” He’d never seen Teddy and Sacagawea having at each other, and Larry and Ahkmenrah – well, that was definitely new. “What’d you do that for?” It wasn’t an erotic touch, or it shouldn’t have been, but that was absolutely the most _gentlemanly_ thing Octavius had ever done for him. Much better than anything he’d read. 

Octavius let go of his hand. “Think, Jedediah. Every one of those couples is composed of two people who _love_ each other. ‘Let all in this museum who love one another’ – isn’t that what you told me Ahkmenrah said?” 

“Yeah.” 

Octavius leaned in closer. He smelled like sweaty leather, like he’d been drilling with his men before the tablet took him unawares. It made Jed’s hard-on ache in the worst possible way. “Jedediah,” he said, “with all this evidence, how can you not have come to the conclusion that I love you back?” 

If a horse had come along just then and smashed Jed’s head into pulp, he didn’t think he would have been more surprised than he was at that moment. “You love me?” He shook his head. “Naw, that ain’t possible. You’re just sayin’ that so I won’t think you’re about to kill me, and then you can lull me into a false sense of security and throw a flamin’ catapult ball at me.” He folded his arms. “No way.” The tablet must have malfunctioned. 

“But I do!” Octavius gestured at his crotch in obvious frustration. The bulge was still there. “You asked the tablet specifically for proof of my love, if it exists. I’m telling you that it _does_ exist. I thank whichever gods made that proof possible, whether they’re Ahkmenrah’s or my own, and I am _not_ angry!” 

Jed blinked. “Coulda fooled me.” 

“Well…” Octavius’s hackles went down a little. “I’m not angry at you for _that_.” 

“Not angry about that, huh?” Jed gave Octavius his best smile, trying not to show how far his stomach had dropped with relief. _He doesn’t hate me. He…_ Could it possibly be true that Octavius loved him? “You’re cute when you’re angry. Anyone ever tell you that?” 

“No.” Octavius returned his smile, and it was a beautiful thing. “In my former life, I was told I was many things when I was angry, but not cute.” He stroked his chin. “You may have to show me. Perhaps I prefer being thought fearsome.” 

_Show me_ , Jed repeated silently. “Maybe you were fearsome a while ago, but now you don’t scare me none.” He swallowed. “I love you, Octavius.” As if roused by the words, his erection surged to full force again, leaving his head spinning as the blood rushed away. “I gotta show you how much, if you don’t mind.” 

“Jedediah,” said Octavius softly, almost in a whisper. “Jedediah, come here.” 

Whether it came from an emperor in this life or not, Jed wasn’t about to ignore that command. He half-walked, half-crawled the short distance to Octavius. “I guess you don’t mind,” he said, echoing Octavius’s tone. 

“No.” Octavius put a hand on either side of Jed’s face, cupping his jaw with his palms. “I could not mind less.” 

Jed immediately lost his mind at the kiss that followed. 

Octavius didn’t hold the kiss for long, and neither did he tip them back over like he had before. He pulled Jed into his lap with the kind of strength Jed had only ever seen him exert on stuff like trying to break through the wall between their dioramas, and – oh, sweet lord in Heaven. Jed was pretty sure his squeak leaped up a couple of dimensions when Octavius swiftly undid his pants, reached inside, and took his pecker in his hand. “Yes,” Octavius said between kisses to Jed’s neck, “yes, go on. Like that. I want to hear you.” 

“My Octavius,” Jed gasped, resting his face in Octavius’s neck. “Octy. Oh…oh, lord.” He pulled away, although it might have been the hardest thing he’d ever done, and angled his hip so Octavius could rub against it, awkwardly wiggling down his jeans with a shaking hand. Octavius had that tunic of his, so he was lucky. “Come on, let’s do this together.” 

“Jedediah,” said Octavius, and did him one better by putting his leg between Jed’s thighs and pushing it against his erection. “ _Oh_.” His groan was deep and resonant as he rubbed himself against Jed’s hip, and it was absolutely the hottest combination of anything Jed had ever seen, heard, or felt. “I need you.” 

Jed pushed on Octavius’s thigh. “You done said that already.” Not that he minded. Every time Octavius talked about how much he needed him, it brought him that much closer to coming. Weird magic, if that was what was causing this. “Come on. I need you, too.” 

Octavius’s response was to say something in Latin that Jed didn’t have a prayer of understanding, but he knew it probably meant something affectionate or absolutely filthy, and so he started grinding on Octavius all over again. “ _Yes_ ,” Octavius hissed after one particularly hard thrust. “There!” He was rubbing against Jed for all he was worth, felt like. 

That was about it for Jed. He bit down on Octavius’s neck and came against his leg, so hard that he just about saw stars. A second or two of bitten-off Latin later and Octavius came, too. Jed didn’t even need to look at him to feel that. “Dang,” he said once he’d gotten some of his breath back, “that was gorgeous, you purty thing.” He thrust his hip a few more times, gently, just enough to get a soft noise out of Octavius. “We shoulda done that a long time ago.” 

“We should have come to each other years ago,” said Octavius, his mouth against Jed’s ear so that his voice vibrated the lobe. It felt so good that Jed didn’t care if he shivered all over. “Tell me truly, Jedediah. If the tablet hadn’t worked its magic tonight, how long would we still be waiting to say we love each other?” 

“Might not even have said it yet,” Jed admitted. “Probably wouldn’t. Octavius, when it comes to love and anything like that, I think I’m downright yellow-bellied.” 

Octavius didn’t ask what that meant, and Jed loved him all the more for it. Meant he’d spent enough time with the Westerners, listening to their lingo and watching them do what they did, that he’d learned some stuff that wasn’t Roman. He’d seen Octavius at it, too, some nights when he had other things to do and Octavius didn’t. One day he’d even tried to stomp some grapes, although Jed supposed that was Roman enough. Wine and all. “You are no coward,” Octavius said. “Matters of love have always been difficult. Every writer speaks of that if they have the skill.” 

“No, no, I’m a coward, all right.” Jed squeezed Octavius tighter. “Could’ve spent the rest of our lives keepin’ it buttoned.” 

“A true coward will never admit it,” Octavius retorted. “Come here, Jedediah. Let me hold you.” 

“You already are.” 

“No, like this.” Octavius flipped over onto his side and brought Jed with him, curling up behind him and linking his hands together over Jed’s belly, still covered by his shirt. “This is called a spooning position, I believe. I’m the large spoon and you are the small spoon.” 

Jed snorted. “Yeah, and I can’t move.” He was trapped by the tangle of his pushed-down jeans around his legs, he realized, and if he wiggled, Octavius could hold him in position and he wouldn’t be able to walk away. That was…oh, hell, it was hot. His piece seemed to think so, too, because – “What in _tarnation?_ I ain’t never gotten hard so fast! Not after I already done came!” 

“The magic of the tablet,” Octavius breathed in wonder, nudging his own erection against Jed’s backside. The length of it between his cheeks felt even better than against his thigh, like he was doing dirty things to him without even having to go in with oil. “Ahkmenrah’s gods have granted us their favor. Can’t you feel it, Jedediah? I ache to have you again.” 

That was when Jed realized something. “Hey,” he said, “you said you wanted to have my thighs. You ain’t done that yet. We just rubbed on, you know, each other’s legs and stuff.” He didn’t know why, what with the dirty position they were in and all, but saying that still made him blush. “You wanna have my thighs now? I don’t mind.” 

“My thoughts exactly,” Octavius said, or rather gasped, into Jed’s ear. “This may sound disgusting, but you’ve sweated, and I should be able to slide smoothly.” He punctuated the sentence with another thrust against the cleft of Jed’s rear. 

“I ain’t disgusted.” Jed thrust back, clenching his thighs together so Octavius could fulfill his promise. “Just, you gotta do somethin’ for me after. I’m all hotted up again and I ain’t got nothin’ I can do for it now.” His pants were too far down his thighs to be able to thrust against them, and that would be gross anyway. He didn’t want to have to clean his jeans on top of everything else. 

“I will,” said Octavius. “I swear to it on the gods and my own life.” The vow was kind of undercut when he kissed the back of Jed’s neck and started rubbing his hard piece on the backs of Jed’s thighs, but Jed appreciated the thought. “You feel so good.” 

Jed grunted. “ _This_ feels so good,” he countered, and pushed his hips back, relishing Octavius’s almost-squeak of pleasure. “Oh, yeah, _there_.” Octavius’s erection wasn’t touching his, exactly, but the jolts of their movement gave him a little stimulation anyway. 

Octavius’s arms tightened around him. “By Jupiter.” He hooked his chin over Jed’s shoulder and began to move in earnest, each roll of his hips leaving Jed wanting so much more than this could give him. “When we have oil,” he said, “I’ll take you and - _ah_ \- have you begging…oh, Jedediah…” 

That kind of talk normally would’ve made Jed snap and maybe kick the speaker in the bits, but now, he needed more. “ _Octavius_ ,” he groaned, reaching down to his neglected erection. “I gotta touch myself – you’re so…” 

But Octavius intercepted his hand before he could get there. Jed whimpered, and Octavius brought his hand back up against his chest. “This is for me to do, Jedediah.” 

“Oh, Jesus,” Jed said. He should’ve been angry, he really should have. Octavius’s emperor voice, though… _God_. It was enough to make him take every sacred name he knew in vain. A sudden idea occurred to him and he spread his legs a little, just enough that the head of Octavius’s piece bumped into the backs of his balls with every stroke. “ _Oh!_ ” All right, that was even better than touching himself would’ve been, he knew that much. 

“By the gods,” said Octavius in a strained voice. His thrusts sped up and he clutched at Jed even tighter. “J-Jedediah, I fear I…I f-fear I won’t last…” 

“Then don’t,” said Jed, feeling as bold as the frontiersman he’d once been, pushing his butt back and grunting deep in his throat as Octavius moved against him. “Aw, hell!” It was torture to feel Octavius give him just that little bit of sensation and not be able to _do_ anything about it with his hands all penned up. Stupid tablet. “You…better…” He picked up some speed himself – maybe going from a trot to a canter would help him get going. “You better go on’n do it!” 

Right when the pleasure built with their rhythm and Jed thought he might actually be able to come, Octavius spoiled it by going still and jerking in place. “G-gods – Jupiter – ah, Jedediah!” The wetness on the backs of Jed’s thighs let him know that Octavius had indeed sped on ahead of him. 

Jed probably should’ve been steamed at him. Hard to be mad, though, when Octavius was cuddling him like a teddy bear (Teddy always made an expression like he’d sucked on a lemon when he heard the term ‘teddy bear,’ which was just hilarious to most of the museum, Jed included). “Well, pardner, looks like you owe me somethin’,” he said, wiggling in Octavius’s grasp to show him _exactly_ what he owed. “You done come already and I’m sorta high and dry here.” 

“Forgive me,” said Octavius dryly. He disentangled himself from Jed with what felt like reluctance – at least, his hands lingered an awful long time on Jed’s belly. “Let me clean you up first. You still have your kerchief on. May I have it?” 

“What? Oh, yeah.” Jed’s hands went to his neck. How had he not taken the thing off? _Well_ , he thought, _I didn’t take my pants off, neither_. His hat had fallen off, but that was just the way things were. “Here you go.” He untied his neckerchief and handed it to Octavius, who wiped his own spending off Jed’s thighs more gently than Jed expected. “Hey, that ain’t bad. A little more skill and that could be a massage.” 

“Quiet, you.” Octavius crawled back up and kissed the side of Jed’s head. “I think I have been satisfied for now, but...there is something…” He suddenly sounded shy, or at least as shy as he ever got. “There is an act I’d like to perform on you, but it’s not typically done by someone of my…ah, stature.” 

Now that sounded interesting. Jed rolled over so he could look Octavius in the face. Long as Octavius didn’t want to call him awful names or something, he could maybe give it a try. “What do you wanna do, pal?” 

“I, ah.” Octavius drew his lower lip into his mouth and sucked hard on it. “My mouth,” he whispered, “if that’s acceptable. My men must never know. But I find I can’t stop… _couldn’t_ stop thinking about such a thing. Even before tonight, and the tablet.” 

“I ain’t complainin’,” said Jed. Neither was his body. He was still fired up from the rub Octavius had just given him, _without_ the satisfaction he deserved. If Octavius wanted to give him oral sex (or a blow job, or sucking him off, or whatever the Internet was calling it these days – they all made him blush), he wasn’t about to object. “Hold on, now.” He kicked off his boots and pulled his jeans down all the way. Being immobile was kind of nice for one go, but he didn’t think it was a state he particularly enjoyed for more than that. “You wanna do that? I ain’t dirty. Had a bath last night and I ain’t been doin’ nothin’ too sweaty since.” 

Octavius blinked. “You’re not disgusted?” 

“’Course not. Gotta admit, it’s somethin’ I fantasized about a time or two, m’self.” Jed grinned at him, probably a little crookedly, as his cheeks heated up. “You know, big strong general on his knees on account of he can’t control himself for me. Just wants me so bad.” 

“You have a very strong fantasy life, Jedediah,” said Octavius in the same dry tone he’d used earlier. “I’m not sure whether I should be disturbed or aroused, but as it is…” He tilted his head towards Jed’s persistent erection. “As you seem to be aroused, I’m more than happy to service you. Your fantasies make this much easier for me.” 

Jed wiggled his eyebrows. “Glad to hear it.” It wasn’t as intense as the raw _need_ of earlier, but his pecker was certainly enjoying this line of conversation. “You, uh, want me to sit down or somethin’? Or you want me to stand, so you can be on your knees?” 

Octavius rapped his knuckles against the shelf. “This floor is hard, but I think being on my knees would be easier than lying down,” he said in his usual…well, _Octavius-y_ way. Nothing less dignified than that subject, but he managed to make it sound fit for a general. Huh. Jed would have to figure out how he did that. “Stand, then, Jedediah,” he said, and licked his lips, slow and sensuous. Jed groaned. “Yes, that’s what I like to hear.” 

Now the shoe was on the other foot, and Jed had no idea how Octavius had managed to make it happen. “Yessir,” he said, cursing himself the second he saw Octavius’s cat-smile widen, and got up on his feet. His boots made clumsy clunking sounds against the shelf. When he was finally standing, though, the height difference helped him feel a little less wrong-footed. “You ready, Octavius?” he said, and pushed his hips forward a little. His piece was straining forward. 

“I am,” Octavius said. He leaned forward and wrapped a hand around him. “This is only to start,” he added when Jed hissed through his teeth, unable to help it. Octavius’s hands were just so good at everything they did to him. _Octavius_ was so good. “Now, let me see. I believe the proper greeting for such a distinguished part is a kiss.” And with a purse of his full lips, he did just that. 

“Oh lord, oh lord, oh lord,” Jed half-chanted, half-groaned. For someone who didn’t do this much, Octavius sure did know what he was doing. The hand braced at the base of Jed’s erection was squeezing him in small, rhythmic pulses that would be almost soothing if they didn’t match the beat of his flicking tongue against the head. Every flick pushed Jed’s foreskin back and forth. “Oh, for the love of… _ggghhh_ , Octavius…” He squeezed his hands into fists at his sides so that he wouldn’t grab Octavius’s hair and make him think he was trying to be controlling or something. “Oh, God!” 

Octavius, the stinker, pulled back and gave him one of those cat-grins. His lips were even pinker than usual. “Yes?” 

They were going to have _words_ if this kept up all night. “Hey, you know I don’t go for that ‘god made manifest’ balderdash!” Jed exclaimed. “You might be the emperor of the Romans, but you ain’t the emperor of my _bits_.” 

Octavius snorted. “Bits,” he repeated. “What am I, then? Is it your wish that you should be the emperor of _me_ while I perform this service for you?” He looked up at Jed with those big puppy-dog eyes, eyes that seemed just a little darker now, and licked his lower lip with a quick dart of his tongue. “Are you my _imperator_ for these few minutes, Jedediah?” 

Jed suddenly felt as though his blood were running hot and cold at the same time, and he wasn’t quite sure why. His knees quavered in place and he put his hands behind his thighs to help them lock a little sturdier. “You, uh, you teasin’ me, Octavius?” 

“Only if you want me to,” said Octavius, “but I know that I want to continue this. I like how you smell. I like how you taste.” He pressed his nose into the soft part of Jed’s inner thigh, maybe the only part of him that knew how to be soft. Except his durn soft heart. “And I love you.” 

“Love you, too, Octavius,” Jed said, and determinedly ignored the wobble of his lower lip. He was _not_ crying. He would _not_. “Guess I oughta bless that tablet ‘stead of cursin’ it, y’know?” Maybe he could do both.

“I hope that the gods of Egypt and the gods of Rome commune, for they have given us both a great blessing,” said Octavius in his most grandiose, _Octavius-y_ tone. “Now, shall I continue performing fellatio, or would you prefer to talk for another…” He squinted across the room at the big wall clock. “…three hours, and freeze with your jeans down?” 

Jed gulped. “Uh, not really. ‘Course,” he added, recovering, “if we had longer, you could go back to your diorama and get that there oil so you could save a horse’n ride a cowboy.” He winked. “Gotta work up to that, of course. Ain’t sayin’ no, though.” If he was being honest with himself, the thought scared him a little. But if Octavius’s hands were gentle – and he knew they could be – the whole thing would probably be a nice smooth canter, not a rough gallop that left his butt sore. In all senses of the word. “You still interested?” 

“You _know_ I am,” said Octavius in a voice that was more like a growl than a purr. Jed liked it fine, and parts of him _definitely_ liked it even more than that. “Do I need to hold your legs so that you can do nothing but thrust into my mouth? I should teach you the words of Catullus and have you repeat them to me.” 

“What words would those be?” 

Octavius looked up at him with one eyebrow raised. “ _Pedicabo ego vos et irrumabo_.” 

“Now that one I know from your men!” Jed said. “I’d say it, but you said we ain’t got much time. Now do I have to grab your head and, uh, _pedicabo?_ ” 

He was sure his accent was plain terrible, but Octavius shivered all over in a way that said he’d hit the mark. “Yes, of course,” he said. This time, when he leaned forward, he took most of Jed’s piece into his mouth and started to suck. 

Octavius, Jed realized, was _darn_ good at this. He didn’t move his mouth like he had a lot of experience, sure, but he was eager and that was what mattered. Despite his reservations, Jed found himself clutching Octavius’s head and moaning like a lady of the night. Octavius’s hair was so soft. It was a shame he hid it under his helmet – and Jed quickly dropped that line of thought when Octavius brought his hands up under where his mouth was working and started teasing some more sensitive parts, too. 

He closed his eyes and tried to enjoy it, but Octavius’s mouth was hot and wet and he was making noises that sounded just as aroused as Jed felt, and Jed couldn’t help how fast he was barreling towards a finish. “Octavius…” His voice came out in a whine, and his hips were moving without his permission. “Almost there!” 

Octavius stroked Jed’s hip with a palm, and Jed knew without having to ask that it was both permission and encouragement. “Holy…!” he squeaked, and abruptly lost control of himself as he spent everything he had into Octavius’s mouth. His vision wavered with spots like black stars, and if it weren’t for Octavius in front of him, he probably would have fallen on his face. 

When he finally figured he wasn’t in danger of concussing himself, he focused his eyes and watched Octavius wipe his hand against his mouth, smacking his lips and giving one of his little frowns of concentration. “A strange taste,” he said. And that was when Jed noticed the state of Octavius’s right hand. “What are you looking at?” 

Jed grinned at him. “You had some fun, didn’t you? Had to do that, ‘cause doin’ this to me made you so hotted up?” 

Octavius got to his feet as his cheeks flushed. “And what if I did? I believe I can blame the tablet. I have never been this easily aroused, even…well…” He met Jed’s eyes. “Even when I thought about you before.” 

“Same for me,” Jed admitted. “Seems like it’s calmed down some, though.” He stole a look down at his johnson and was relieved to find that it was staying down. For now, at least. Who knew what other kinds of magic the tablet had up its metaphorical sleeve? “I think twice was enough.” 

Octavius cleared his throat and extended a hand. Jed took it and let Octavius pull him up. “I must confess,” Octavius said, “that I have enjoyed myself three times. Ah, while I was performing fellatio on you, I was…” 

Jed didn’t need him to finish to know what he was talking about. “Now that ain’t fair,” he said, putting his hands on his hips in mock-anger. No need for real anger. Fact was, he wasn’t sure he’d ever be able to feel truly angry again, not with what he and Octavius had just done. What they still had. “I think you owe me one.” 

“Oh? And do you intend to collect now or later?” Octavius raised his eyebrows. “We need to return to our dioramas if we intend to be there when the sun rises.” 

“Rather not have the fellers askin’ questions tomorrow night,” said Jed, “so maybe later.” He didn’t want Horace laughing at him. Then again, what with Flavius running after him all the time, maybe he wouldn’t have much to tease about. “Come on.” He got to his feet and went to Octavius, touching the small of his back. It was sweaty, but he didn’t mind. “I don’t mind waitin’ on what you owe me. We got time.” 

“So we do,” said Octavius. 

Jed grinned at him and let himself finally do what he’d wanted to for decades, pants off or no pants off, hugging Octavius so hard he thought he heard his friend squeak. “It’s all right that you owe me, compadre,” he whispered. “Got all the nights in the world to spend with you now.” 

“Well, surely not every night –“ 

“I aim to have us owin’ each other until the end of time, Octavius, and that’s all I’m gonna say about that.” 

Judging from the way he walked as they started back to their dioramas, Octavius was fine with that.

**Author's Note:**

> I'm godihatethisfreakingcat on Tumblr. As long as it's still extant, that is. :D


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